“Lolita, my Lolita. I love you so much and don’t want to live without you. Is it bad that I’m a pedophile with such strong feelings for a young girl like yourself? But the more we talk the more I know this is what was meant to be. You are my Lolita whether people say anything or not!”
This is laugh-out-loud hilarious! They are so awful, they're downright entertaining. I think your writing gig is safe for a while!