Depp v. Heard: Twisted Panties

A contemporary counterpart of Lady Whistledown weighs in on the trial that’s become a cultural flashpoint on free speech and #MeToo

Andrew Jazprose Hill
4 min readJun 4, 2022


Graffiti drawing of actor Johnny Depp with cowboy hat, long hair, mustache and beard in black ink over yellow background
Photo by E. Diop on Unsplash

Greetings from The Twisted Panty!

The trial may be over, but idle minds continue to look for ways to kick a girl while she’s down. Social media influencers are no longer content to see the defeated movie star penniless.

They want her permanently squashed under the dominating boot of hashtag superiority. Of course 300 fake Twitter accounts do not a majority make. Even if their influence spreads as far as TikTok and Instagram.

It only takes a few social-media accounts to wreak havoc on a disliked target

But who needs a life? Especially when celebrities provide an endless supply of meretricious fodder like #turdgate?

Ah #turdgate! At last there’s an appropriate metaphor for the pop swizzle some folks call a zeitgeist. Who needs a toilet when you have luxury sheets with an infinite thread count?

If this sounds like sour Gilbert grapes or something, it’s not

In fact, the Twisted Panty is actually grateful to the trial for pulling up the Tupperware cover on our troubled world and releasing some of the depressingly foul air trapped beneath the cloud of war, inflation, and multiple mass shootings. Not since the trial of Derek Chauvin has there been such a rush to televise a verdict.

Of course there’ll be an appeal

But appeals don’t re-examine the evidence. They only look at whether something was done improperly or illegally during the original trial. Did the judge give the wrong instruction? Was a juror bribed? That sort of thing.

The only advantage in appealing this verdict is the chance to reduce the amount of the damages. After all, $10.35 million dollars is a lot of cheddar when you only had an estimated net worth of $8 million before the trial began, especially when your legal fees are already hovering at $6 million.



Andrew Jazprose Hill

"Read me, Seymour!" I write two newsletters on Substack: The Jazprose Diaries & The Fiction Fix. Short Stories & Serial Fiction. Plus Memoir, Essays & Satire